Since we last wrote, Plague Island has somehow got worse.
The virus has plateaued in terms of infection numbers, but it’s not low by any means at around 30,000 new infections per day. Deaths have mercifully lowered, but we appear comfortable with around 100 deaths per day. There has been an incredible amount of dithering about whether to vaccinate healthy 12–15-year-olds; indeed, they’re all currently in school without having being offered a vaccination in good time (rollout started on Monday, two weeks after the start of term), with zero mitigations in place.
Our Beloved Leader, at least outwardly, is full of his usual cocksure bluster: he’s had a cabinet reshuffle, replacing sycophants … with other sycophants, and he’s got a plan to be in power longer than Margaret Thatcher (Jesus, God, Lord, help us).
For every problem the country faces whilst on his watch, just don’t worry your silly little heads about it. It’s Covid causing these problems and definitely not Brexit as we’re on the verge of defeating Covid anyway, remember? (If only The Little People would do as they’re told). And Brexit is already done.
From the shortage of HGV drivers – who all seem to have disappeared from the UK since the start of this year, as if taken by some great, Trucker rapture – to the lack of food on our supermarket’s shelves which means that we haven’t been able to buy all of the things we usually take for granted for weeks now: it’s Covid. Not Brexit. Okay?
On top of this, we are going to have a increase in our National Insurance payments to fund the gap in health and social care (this is a problem that needs to be addressed, but an additional tax on working people isn’t the solution). Universal Credit will be cut by £20 per week (apparently, the government can’t afford this because, well, Covid).
If only we had £350 million per week spare that we were once sending to Europe that we could instead use on the NHS, right? I’m digressing; my mind is wondering as I’m sure I once read that somewhere.
We also face a potential lack of food at Christmas, as well as gifts to buy. Let’s not forget the latest impending fuel shortage, which we can only assume has been caused by those lazy home-workers having the central heating on all day every day, as they sit on their fat, locked-down arses watching This Morning. If only we could get them back to work, then the energy problem would go away.
There is also a carbon dioxide shortage, which threatens meat supplies in supermarkets and fizzy drinks production in the UK. In the same way Our Beloved Leader joked about Margaret Thatcher being an environmentalist due to closing all the coal mines in the 1980s, Johnson will claim forcing everyone to eat food other than meat (because there’s no meat available) shows what a fond lover of animals he is. He really should be credited for it. In the same way, when petrol pumps run dry and everyone has to walk, he’ll tell us that we should all be grateful for him single-handedly saving the planet.
We remember the days before the 2019 election when the tabloid newspapers were full of bile for the then Leader of the Opposition, who apparently was going to take us back to the 1970s. Johnson has guaranteed that the lights won’t be going out like they did in the 1970s.
(We have bought two large packs of tea light candles. I don’t know when we became so cynical).
If these problems start to look too bad, Johnson will surely fix them all with a sneaky lockdown to distract from the facts. What do you think, Plague Islanders? Some new variant from a country we don’t particularly like, that the tabloids can really get their teeth into? A Turkish variant, perhaps? Syrian? Bought in on a dinghy? There’s already talk of a Plan B, and another lockdown cannot be ruled out if there’s a spike. Surely though, a spike is inevitable when you force people back to work and school with zero mitigations? It’s like the government told people they don’t have to wear a mask or socially distance.
Oh, that’s right, they did.
We have to be fair to Johnson however, as when he said he wanted to put Britain back on the international stage, he was true to his word. Due to this new pact between us, America and Australia, China have said that if there is a conflict between them and America, us and Australians may well be a target for nuclear weapons. A very bright future awaits us indeed.
This is one hell of a lot of plates for Boris Johnson to spin. We are beginning to see a few of them smash to the floor. If only we had an Opposition; this shitshow would surely be over by now. Instead we just have to wait for Johnson’s own grotesque arrogance and inhumanity to blow up in his smug, bloated face.
Until then, let’s stick together. Be strong and be good to one another. Take care because this ride isn’t over just yet. And make sure you invest in some candles because there’s bound to be a power out at some point.
We’re wishing it happens in Downing Street.
A little hope always,
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